my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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