don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
