so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
