Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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