I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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