i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize