the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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