Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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