i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
