Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
