There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize