FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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