i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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