when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
