the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
