If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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