I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
