Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
