Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
