I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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