i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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