so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
