the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
