I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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