is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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