Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
