o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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