you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
