so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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