The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My pussy is not your playground.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
