Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
