i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
