I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
