what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
