im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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