I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
