Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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