I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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