we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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