You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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