you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
