I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
