Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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