Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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