shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
