Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
