Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
