remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
