ya dads aren't the best wingmen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize