Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
