she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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