Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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