dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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