I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Is it because I queefed?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
