Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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