bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
