Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
