4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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