Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize