Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
