this just has baby written all over it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
