I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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