mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So much rum. So many feels.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
