Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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