Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize