sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
