I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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