I wish my penis had an off switch
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
