Im at strip club and am horny
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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