why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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