I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize